Sara Sweat, MA – Founder, Monarch
The first time I walked a labyrinth, I almost quit.
I was at the Scarritt Bennett Center on Vanderbilt’s campus in Nashville. I’d never even heard of a labyrinth before, but someone told me about this ancient meditative practice found all over the world. Generations of people, incapable of making a spiritual pilgrimage for a variety of reasons, built these simple structures to represent the journey they were unable to make.
The rules are simple. Begin in the outer ring and follow the path until you arrive at the center. Some people walk with intentions; something they want to release or call in. Some simply observe and see what rises within.
I expected something like communion; peaceful and reverent. What I got was irritation.
The problem was that my journey had a destination. I could see it, right there in the middle of the grassy circular marks on the ground. I was willing to play along with this little exercise, but it was wrought with inefficiency.
The path was full of winding turns and irrational changes in position. I’d be closer than ever to my goal and then the path would turn me around entirely, walking me back out toward the very edge I started from. Every time I felt myself gaining ground, the path took it back.
Three minutes in, this spiritual do-si-do made me feel like the journey was never going to end.
I kept walking, trying to ignore the brewing mental breakdown brought on by a simple path made with rocks and grass. Until suddenly, it was done. I had arrived. Out of nowhere, I was in the center. And, it was only then that I had a realization.
Every one of those turns, even the ones that took me far from where I was headed, had been carrying me forward the entire time.
There was no wasted turn. No wrong direction. All movement was forward movement, even what seemed like it was taking me backward – was moving me on.
I think about that walk every time I work with someone who feels like they are regressing in their life.
Most of my clients have done years of hard, healing work. They’ve read the books, done the therapy, listened to the podcasts, and burned the sage. They are strong, hard working, insightful human beings who are very good at doing difficult things.
But, when you’re learning to live instead of just survive, your old way of being doesn’t just disappear because you “get it now”.
Especially when you’re plagued by something from the HALT acronym – hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (which by the way, is basically the human condition) – that old survival programming can kick right back in.
You snap at the person you love most, exactly the way you swore you’d stopped doing. Or you turn into a hermit & Netflix on your couch with snacks for three days, because life feels too overwhelming and overstimulating to attend.
Maybe you say yes to something you have zero interest in doing, because you forgot for a minute that you don’t do that anymore.
What most of my clients feel in those moments is frustration.
“I thought I already worked on this!”
“Why is this still happening?”
“When is it ever going to end?!”
The shame and fear underneath those questions is really pondering something deeper. Was any of the work I did even real?
The Truth
Just like the labyrinth that irked my soul until I was finished, building a new way to live isn’t a linear process. Retreading familiar ground doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’re human. And, part of the way forward feels like you’re moving away.
On the other side of healing, your job isn’t to never be uncomfortable ever again. Though, man, wouldn’t that be great!? Your task now is to pay attention to how you’re feeling and trust you’re moving forward by moving through.
Maybe this time, when you get triggered, you catch yourself mid-sentence and choose your words more carefully now instead of in an apology three days later. Maybe your down time on the couch takes an afternoon of recovery instead of a week.
Maybe the thing that made you cringe with recognition a year ago hasn’t crossed your mind in months, and you just haven’t noticed its absence because you don’t miss it at all.
Growth – real growth – moves slowly. So slowly, it can feel nearly invisible. But, it’s not.
You rarely catch yourself becoming. You only catch yourself already changed, and wonder when it happened. The progress is much harder to see.
Small Moves
Tracking progress is something I do with all my coaching clients. A simple weekly check in where they have to share a few things they’re proud of from the previous week.
It was born from a practice a friend of mine suggested when I started a new health routine. She said “write down how you’re feeling on day 1, then update it every week.” In a note on my phone entitled “things I’m writing down because Windy says I have to”, I tracked my mood, my energy, and all my symptoms. I did it reluctantly. I did it inconsistently. I did it rolling my eyes and under duress.
But, I did it.
And, what happened over time shocked me. Because the change was so slow, I forgot how poorly I had felt at the start of my journey. As the weeks passed and my symptoms lessened, I could actually see the impact my efforts were making. At any given moment, I felt stuck. But, in light of the data, I was sailing towards better health.
When we do the same – when we create a record of our progress, it converts a few scribbled words into irrefutable proof. And, all we had to do was be bothered to write it down.
It makes the path more visible. And, helps you see that you were moving forward the whole time.
So, the next time you’re beating yourself up for reacting in ways you think you should have outgrown, stop. The work you’ve already done has gotten you so far. You’re just on a leg of the journey that looks like it’s moving backward from where you’re standing.
You are not back where you started. You’re walking a new path – one you’re creating as you go. And, just because it doesn’t always look like progress, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
If you’re ready to stop white-knuckling your way through the turns and actually redesign the infrastructure underneath them, that’s the work I do with clients one on one.
In a bespoke coaching relationship, we do true life alchemy to create the infrastructure of your life to support you.
The people who go through it come out more grounded, more themselves, and more confident in the journey than they’ve felt in years.
You’re not just surviving anymore, Monarch. And, you don’t have to live your life alone. Let’s journey together.
Monarch offers coaching and community for the people no one even thinks to check on. If you’re ready to design your life for actually living – instead of for survival – follow along here. And, reach out for a free introductory call.
